another post about finding myself

walking, walking, and more walking!

as i write this, i’m sat outside in a local park. autumn has arrived here in england, though the biting cold and rain make it feel more like winter. it’s early in the morning, so around me are various herds of parents hurrying small children along, and adults hurrying themselves along to work. the trees are in varying states of change; some, stubbornly holding onto their leaves, some, simply evergreen, and some, practically already bare. its those falling leaves in shades of green, yellow, and golden brown - that inspire introspection this morning.

my introspection often consists of an age-old question: where am i? what am i doing here? what am i doing with myself, at this point in my life? i'm a fresh university graduate - by others standards, a late university graduate, even. i had to wrestle a lot with the concept of running my own race in life - that my timeline was not the same as others, and that doing or not doing things had no impact on my worth or my ability. i am not falling behind; i am walking at my own pace.

this concept of forcing myself to walk at a pace that is comfortable for me doesn’t just lie in the abstract. as long as i can remember, i’ve always walked fast, always wanted to be far ahead of others - because it was easier, more acceptable - to be alone and ahead than to be lonely and behind everyone else. did i want to walk fast? absolutely not! in forcing myself to either keep up with the pace of others, or outpace them, i oftentimes found myself out of breath, red-faced, and uncomfortable. it was a reflection of my own stuttered start into adulthood, where i found myself trying to keep up with others, disregarding my own boundaries for the sake of seeming like i was just as normal, just as cool as everyone else. i always ended up the same way - uncomfortable. it’s quite interesting, in that sense - how early adulthood can sometimes feel like you never really left the walls of your secondary school.

recently i’ve been going on walks, to improve my fitness and also just to be alone with my thoughts, and with nature. on these walks, i have to take breaks because i don’t want to make walking a chore or something that i dread, rather than look forward to. i take short breaks to admire the scenery, get my breath back, and then i get up and carry on. when i first started going on walks, aside from being in awe at how painfully unfit i was, i would also push myself too hard - walk too fast, at a pace i couldn’t maintain, and then be hard on myself for not being able to live up to standards that i simply couldn’t reach at that time. as time passed, i built my way up slowly - realising that all those videos and books were right when they said you have to learn to take things one step at a time. i built my stamina up to be able to walk at that pace i found so difficult to achieve at the beginning, and now i’m always looking for the next challenge or hike i can overcome. now, when i meet up with friends for walks, i don’t force myself to keep up with their pace - we each walk at our own pace, and have all the more fun for it.

i think that sentiment can be reflected in life too. its not a moral failing to take a break, catch your breath, and carry on when you’re ready. each of us are only on this planet one time and one time only. during that time, we are all living and learning new things every single day. it makes sense to give ourselves room to take things slow and allow ourselves to grow and learn in our own time. once we’ve had the breaks that we needed, we can re-centre ourselves and then keep walking. we'll get to where we're going eventually anyway.