a lifetime of "fine".

i want to live a LIFE!!!

i'll start this post off as i do all my other ones - with some honesty. one of my biggest fears? settling. it puts a feeling in my gut like no other - i get nauseous, anxious, all of the above - at just the idea of having lived a life with no passion, having walked a path lined with the remnants of dreams i chose not to fulfil.

at the same time, it's like i find more comfort in envisioning my future rather than actually working towards it. i would let opportunities for quite literally anything - going out with friends, holidays, applying to things that i might have a chance at winning - pass me by, because i never felt ready for them. i'd start hobbies, become moderately good at them, then leave them unfinished one day and never return to them. weeks would turn to months, months would turn to years and soon i'd end up in the same position of saying i "used to" do XYZ. it was like i refused to take on any agency in my own life when it came to things i genuinely enjoyed.

the older i get, the more i can shake off that fear of unreadiness and simply do things just because. but i still hold fast to that fear i have inside of me. i don't want my life to be a consistent cycle of "used to"s. i "used to" know this. i "used to" be good at that. i think its important to make time for the things you enjoy doing, despite capitalism's attempts to drain all our energy for them. at the end of the day, i want to say i lived a LIFE!! and in order for me to do that, i cannot allow myself to settle for what is "easy". i know myself. the things that i want require work to be put in so that i can receive them. it's almost laughable just how much humans have to do just to avoid the terrifying prospect of living a life that was "fine".

i'm not quite sure how to end this - some days the writing comes easy to me, and the conclusions sound like prose. this is not one of those days. so instead, i'll just end on something basic. we live in a world that actively works to drain us of our passion, when passion is what keeps us alive. always look after that fire in your heart. keep it burning, so you can live a life you'll be proud of.